How to help children cope with distress

Over the past year, grief and loss have become an unwelcome and consistent presence in our lives because of the global Covid-19 pandemic. Where previously we would experience grief every now and then, it has never been as unrelenting as the grief Covid-19 has brought into our realities and of those around us.

We have all either experienced the loss of a loved one (or loved ones) or know people who have lost loved ones. Some of us have lost friends, colleagues or relatives – in this most unexpected way. The unfortunate, and most difficult, part about the Covid-19 pandemic has been its unpredictability in the way that it travels and the way that it takes away what it chooses. Not only have people lost their lives, but many have lost their livelihoods, their income streams, homes, support systems, special occasions, and freedom in the Covid-19 lockdown. As a result, many people have struggled with their mental health and sense of well-being because of the ongoing pandemic.

What is grief?

Grief is “the natural reaction to loss”, something which is “both a universal and a personal experience”, according to the Mayo Clinic. Essentially, people who have lost something, whether it is a person or something of value in their lives, can experience a grief reaction. While there are many ways of trying to explain and categorise grief, it is important to remember that grief differs from person-to-person. However, there are ways to understand what they are going through. This applies to individuals of all ages, whether children, adolescents, adults or the elderly.

Understanding what grief looks like

While many researchers have looked into helping us understand grief, the Kübler-Ross Model of grief is a useful way of helping us understand what grief looks and feels like. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross was a psychiatrist who worked with terminally ill patients, in whom she noticed common stages they experienced as they were reaching the end of their lives. She found that these stages were similar in individuals who were grieving the loss of a loved one. While she outlines five specific stages, it is important to note that these stages do not necessarily happen sequentially, not everyone will experience all of these stages and there is no set duration in which one must experience a particular stage. The model of grief is purely a guide, which outlines common thoughts, feelings and behaviours that a grieving individual may experience.

As opposed to outlining each step in so much detail, it could be summarised as follows:

The model explains that initially one may experience a profound sense of shock and denial, following the news that a known or loved one has passed away (“this cannot be true”). This is often followed by feelings of anger (“why did this have to happen?”, sadness (“how will I go on?”) and a need to make the pain stop (“If my loved one comes back, I promise to…”). Eventually and ideally, many people may reach a point of acceptance – accepting that one has to continue knowing that their loved one is not coming back.

Grief in children

Since the Covid-19 pandemic reached our shores, it is also important to understand how children display and deal with grief. Children have not only lost people who they loved, they also lost their freedom (e.g. no playdates or visits), their support systems (friends and relatives), activities they used to enjoy over the weekends and going to school.

When going through grief, children may show many changes in their behaviour such as increased sadness and withdrawal, not wanting to be alone and clinginess, regressive behaviours (e.g. not wanting to sleep alone anymore), changes in appetite, loss of interest in activities they used to enjoy and a loss of concentration or focus. Some children may become irritable or aggressive, while others may become more withdrawn and quieter. Caregivers will be able to spot grief in a child even if symptoms are not this overt. The subtle signs are usually more common in children and it may be empowering for parents to get to know these, too.

Supporting a grieving child

As a parent or caring adult, you will get a sense when your child is struggling with loss – usually through changes in their behaviour. There are various ways in which a caring adult can support a grieving child:

• Try to get a sense of what they are thinking and how they are feeling by asking them questions about the losses they have experienced. This can be an indicator into what are they struggling with the most.
• Let them know that they are safe talking to you about it and that you will try your best to be there for them.
• Allow children to deal with grief in their own way. Some children don’t mind speaking while others prefer to deal with it in other ways, like by drawing, writing or through movement, however, is comfortable for them. Most important is to guide and be present in the journey they prefer.

Many parents or caregivers often wonder about what information is “too much”, when speaking about grief or loss with children. Remember to:

• Be honest, but in a way which is appropriate for the child’s age and emotional maturity. For example, determine whether it is necessary to point out details around the loss which are unnecessary or too detailed for the child to know.
• Keep it simple and straightforward, sticking to appropriate facts and acknowledging the reality of the loss.
• Explain that the person is no longer here and outline how you will cope as a family by providing a sense of safety and stability.

With that said, we want to also assist children in reaching a stage of acceptance. By doing the things above you are helping them along with the grieving process, however, also get them to speak about what life means and looks like without their loved one – what the new reality is. You can also do some activities together which can help with this, such as:

• Planting something in memorial of your loved one (e.g. asking the child to choose the plant or tree and involving them in the process).
• Praying together if this forms a part of your beliefs.
• Visiting the graveside together and leaving flowers and anything else the child would like to leave.
• Looking at photos together or creating a memory book of your loved one.

Understand that like an adult a child will also go through various stages so allow them to go through these without judgment or criticism. Some children may display increased anger while others may feel withdrawn and sad. Allow them to feel what they need to feel by validating their experiences, but also coming up with a solution on what could possibly help them feel better. Tap into their interests and things they usually enjoy, ask them to help you around the house, get them involved in new routines and come up with new activities together. More than anything, it is important to model that it is okay to grieve, rather than hiding one of the most common reactions we go through as human beings.

By Reabetsoe Buys

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“Reprinted from www.thespacebetweenus.africa”